I published this on my Facebook page, but I thought it was enough work to go ahead and publish it here too.
January 20, 2009: US President Barack Obama is sworn into his first term of office after winning both the popular and electoral vote last November. Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Nicole Derse is appointed, with broad new powers awarded to her by Congress.
February 5, 2009: All reality television shows cancelled from lack of interest. Arts education and libraries experience a renaissance as full funding is restored.
March 18, 2009: David Dannenberg opens a brewery/restaurant/vintage clothing store in Milwaukee, WI. It’s also got a ping-pong table in the back.
March 28, 2009: Justin Johnson completes his first artistic short film, which renders in heart-breaking clarity the ups and downs of lifelong friendships formed in small Wisconsin towns. In May it receives the Palm d’Or for short film at Cannes.
April 1, 2009: On his thirtieth birthday, David Dannenberg’s parents reveal the secret that he is sixth in line to the throne of Norway. It turns out the “Dannenberg” family was just hiding in America from the seventh in line for the throne, actor John Goodman, who might have murdered them to ensure his own coronation. Soon after, David’s brewery is sold to a Russian oil tycoon with the profits going to Amnesty International.
May 17, 2009: Bono takes over as UN Secretary General after Ban Ki-moon resigns to concentrate on negotiations with North Korea.
May 20, 2009: John Goodman arrested in Cardiff, Wales on suspicion of trying to murder members of the Norwegian royal family.
June 10, 2009: Brett Kell is brought to national fame after he sacrifices his own car to save a busload full of blind orphans from crashing through the side of Milwaukee’s Hoan Bridge and certain death. He is soon after appointed as president of the International Red Cross in a gala ceremony in Geneva.
June 19, 2009: After an embarrassing and revealing impeachment process by the Alaska state legislature, former Governor Sarah Palin recedes to her fall-back career as night manager of the Wasilla “Lens Crafters.”
July 4, 2009: America celebrates Independence Day in high style by passing comprehensive universal healthcare legislation that reduces the cost of care for all Americans. Final development of the program was moved along with aid from a newly minted Norwegian ambassador to the US: Prince Olaf, née David Dannenberg, who was instructive on integrating public and private institutions and negotiating a strong pricing framework with pharmaceutical companies.
July 13, 2009: Newest James Bond movie “Quantum of Solace” finally arrives on DVD in North America, with an international release one week later.
July 27, 2009: Sir Richard Branson announces that all Virgin Airlines flights will be powered by new matter/anti-matter fusion reactors that create no waste products or pollution whatsoever.
July 30, 2009: Mike Hauser wins a MacArthur Genius grant, which he uses to publish a book of offensive street poetry for children.
August 1, 2009: Taco Bell introduces new burrito that actually burns more calories than it contains, violating what were previously thought to be unbreakable laws of thermodynamics.
August 15, 2009: Clay Anton accidentally creates a cheap and effective cure for Malaria by sneezing on a mug of Miller Lite. The concoction is replicated and distributed across Africa by his friend Brett, who happens to run the Red Cross.
September 6, 2009: New Japanese fashion of going pants-less spreads to Europe when French President Nikolas Sarkozy makes televised speech to his nation without pants.
September 19, 2009: Dr. Kate Connolly purchases and runs a winery in Napa Valley with funding provided by the Norwegian monarchy.
October 12, 2009: NYU professor Don Kingsbury helps to normalize relations with Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez after getting America to stop trying to covertly overthrow everybody.
October 15, 2009: Ben and Jerry’s relents to pressure from PETA and manufactures ice cream made from human breast milk, and it tastes fantastic.
October 17, 2009: Taking into account his non-profit career experience, as well as curing Malaria, Clay Anton is appointed director of Doctors Without Borders.
October 31, 2009: Halloween is like, the best ever. Did you see that one guy in the Chewbacca costume? Far out, man.
November 2, 2009: Flags are at half-staff throughout America as the nation mourns death of football personality Jon Madden.
November 10, 2009: Prince Olaf of Norway, ambassador to the US, surprises everybody when he buys a totally bitchin’ new Camaro SS.
November 26, 2009: Thanksgiving is celebrated in America. World is flabbergasted after a small group of dolphins learn how to speak English and demand permanent seat on the UN Security Council.
December 5, 2009: Popular film maker Justin Johnson and celebrity wife Jessica Johnson buy home on the Spanish Riviera, next to vacation home of Prince Olaf of Norway.
December 16, 2009: Reunification of Korea completed. Buying a Hyundai no longer thought of as “uncool.”
December 25, 2009: Christmas is celebrated with Oprah buying all US citizens a new Hyundai or motorcycle of their choice.
December 31, 2009: Global climate change stopped just short of being irreversible, using new technology adapted from the August development of Taco Bell’s thermodynamically revolutionary burrito.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
This is so many flavors of awesome that I intend to send the link widely, if for no other reason than it's brilliant. It gives me hope, optimism and a shout out all at the same time. Well played.
Thanks Brett, I appreciate it. I should mention that my newly revealed family history makes my last name properly spelled Dännanbørg.
You should be getting paid for this. Sidesplitting, I tell you!
Post a Comment